Brutally Honest and Honestly Brutal

Alright y'all. You might remember my "The Audacity of Honesty" post from a couple of months back. Some might've noticed it has gone missing. I did that of my own volition. Both my administrators at my former school (which I will not name here, but y'all know) were getting a lot of people asking about it. They both also said I hadn't done anything wrong, but I didn't want to be one more thing on their plate, so I removed it.

This may be part one of a two-part post. We'll all find out at the end of this. It might just be a really long post. Either way, this post is going to catch you, my wonderful readers, up on the last month of my life, with parts about my family as well. It's been about as tough a two months as I've ever faced.

I also want to add that I'm glad it mostly happened to me, and that my wife and family could just be there when I needed them. That's been an unexpected blessing.

Okay, so back to square one. While we were in Toronto (jump back one post to see the adventures, as mundane as they might be, of traveling with a toddler who was a rockstar), I got the call that my uncle had completed suicide. Not a call you ever want to get. Obviously it rocked my, and our, whole world. He'd fought depression for years, but had insisted he'd never carry it to this point. I'd tried, unsuccessfully, a few times over the last couple of years to talk to him, but had always left a voicemail and never heard back. I felt terrible that I'd not tried harder to get ahold of him, but depression's a beast that doesn't afford logic.

Needless to say, that's been unbelievably difficult to deal with. My mom and aunt, Uncle Noble's sisters, have been handling everything with his estate and have been incredible. I know they've barely let us see how much they've gone through, but I'm so grateful for what they've done while going through what I can only imagine is just about hell. I pray daily for their strength in all situations I face.

Here we'll rehash my "Audacity of Honesty" post. As I mentioned, I was looking to find a new teaching gig. I wanted to be closer to my wife and son. I know it's beyond trite to say, "Having a kid changes your everything," but it does. That hour each day I spend in the car is an hour I don't get with my family. I felt the best move was to be honest with both my superintendent and principal. Now, my principal was one of my references, so he obviously knew. I felt, professionally, that I should let me super know as well.

Just before we left for Toronto, it was abundantly clear (oh hindsight...!) that Dorchester was my place to be. I'd thrown quite a few applications out there, and had only one 15-minute phone interview. I'd told both my administrators, and I'm confident this is a direct quote, "You're getting what you wanted, I'm staying! I'm ready to get after it. Fate's telling me I'll be here and I'm re-committed!"

Heh. HA! The... irony?... is really kind of hilarious now. When we got back from Toronto, I reserved my team a spot at the Colorado Buffs team camp. The next day, a Friday, I learned that the new Kindergarten teacher would be the assistant volleyball coach (I typed my initially but changed THAT!). When I approached the superintendent about it, he confirmed that (I saw it on Facebook) and said we needed to meet about it at 3:30. I had NO INKLING about what was coming.

Now, the next part of this can kind of sound like a bitter man, something that was pointed out by the community to administration when I published the original honesty post. I see how people would draw that conclusion. I do. In fact, I'd likely think the same thing. However, I'm going to say that I'm not bitter. I'm not. I don't have time for grudges and bitterness as a general rule. Also, that's something that has a detrimental effect on my mental health. I'm painfully optimistic most of the time. That's a choice.

When school got out that day, I walked do to my super's office like nothing was wrong. I strolled in expecting to lay out the next few years of the volleyball program. He said they'd decided to go a different direction with the volleyball program. I wasn't committed enough to the town (and maybe the school, I don't remember. I just remember thinking that telling me I wasn't committed to the town was ridiculous), as was evidenced by my job search.

First, WHAT?! I mean, he was right, I wasn't committed to the town. That school had kids whose address was in many different towns, and many not from a town at all. I was committed to the kids and everyone in that school. THAT was important to me.

Secondly, what about my teaching job? That's my livelihood and I was panicking about that. No, he said, teaching was safe. The principal was in charge of teacher's jobs, and every eval and walkthrough I'd ever had was positive.

I should add, this decision was made solely by the superintendent. The Activities Director, Principal, and School Board had no role in the decision. While the AD and Principal had been asked for some feedback, the decision was made without them, ultimately.

Did this have something to do with my coaching? The way I interacted with the athletes? I mean, I love coaching, I love volleyball, I want to make sure I wasn't doing something very wrong that no one had bothered to tell me about. Nope, he said, nothing to do with any of that. Just my commitment.

I was livid. I went to the weight room and probably lifted heavier than ever. It didn't make sense. I had no reason to disbelieve him, but it didn't feel right. Nevertheless, it appeared that I'd be working there for quite awhile longer, though in a slightly reduced capacity, so I had to find a way to get over it. It also felt like there was a bit of a "pushing me out" vibe, something reinforced by a couple conversations I had, via text, with other staffers over the subsequent weekend.

Well, back at school on Monday, it seemed like everything was fine. I settled and and thought, okay, this might suck, but started to look on the bright side: More time in the summer, more time in the fall. This can't be all bad.

Then I found out who they'd hired to replace me. As I understand it (and I'm not going to go back and clear up anything I might misunderstand), the new Kindergarten teacher, who is from town in Central Nebraska and is 22, will the be acting head coach, but her title will be assistant. No way to know about her commitment to the "town". The other assistant has a daughter who PLAYS VOLLEYBALL FOR THE RIVAL HIGH SCHOOL! That throws up a big commitment red flag for me, too. Finally, the woman with the title of head coach has a son who runs cross-country at another high school, so she'll almost definitely miss multiple events during the season. Again... I had proven my commitment for six years. Admittedly, the woman hired as the head coach is a graduate of the high school, but I know as a parent, I'D want to go to my kids' stuff.

So anyway, other little things happened that made it abundantly clear, to me at least, that it was time to seek opportunities elsewhere again. I cast a slightly wider net this time (and we again changed what we were looking for in a new home. Our agent, Melanie, was SOO patient with us!) and found a job quickly. The school where I'll be teaching fourth grade and coaching in the fall is a school that PLAYS AGAINST THE SCHOOL I JUST LEFT in our second competition of the year. The team I coached had won the match the last five years. I expect that to change this year.

So now, I've had to change jobs, I didn't mean to slip that bit about house-hunting in there without preface, but it's in there now, so I let's talk about that. We started looking back in the fall, but we'd spend time and find some okay stuff, but then (usually) I would pump the brakes a bit. Let's wait until this thing (whatever that may be) happens.

Well, on the first day that we scheduled multiple showings, we found the house right off the bat. First one we walked into. It's gorgeous. It's on the east side of Lincoln (making my drive from there to work about the same as it's been the last six years; much shorter than it will be from where we live now). It had only been on the market about four days, so we put in an offer, and they countered with a number that we could live with. They actually gave us a better deal because we signed the contract in May, but aren't closing until September.

At this point, a good part of my days have been spent cleaning, straightening, and packing. That leads to the hardest thing I've probably ever had to do. When Keya and I got married, we both wanted a pet, but a dog was out of the question based on schedules, and I'm not really a cat person, so we settled on a rabbit. He was a ten pound Rex named Thunder. Well, like mentioned earlier, when you have kids, your priorities change.

Thunder had not gotten NEARLY the attention in the last year and a half that he had before Everett. No one's fault, just life. He's neutered, so he probably has at least five years of good life left. On top of that, the giant bunny pen in the living room would NOT help sell the house. We made the incredibly difficult decision to surrender him to the humane society here in Lincoln. Y'all, seriously the hardest thing I've ever made the choice to do. We are both soothed by the fact that we know it was the right move for Thunder.

The overarching theme in this is change. Change can be brutal. I feel like some of these changes are forced on us, but overall, I know it will be good. It will SUCK to move out of this neighborhood, we've got neighbors that we just love and we know we'll see less of them.

There has been some good, though. We inherited my uncle's 2000 Toyota MR2 Spyder. Yes, it's a cool car, but it's made cooler by the fact that it was IN 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS! In the scene in the movie where all the cars are leaving the warehouse to confuse the police. It's not in perfect shape right now, as you can see, but I've done a fair bit of work to get it more up to speed, and the body and paint will be in the process the end of June. More pics later.

The picture that you see was taken in my uncle's driveway in Naples, Florida. That car needed to get back to Lincoln. I had three options: Drive down with my truck and trailer (changes there, too) and load it up, fly down and drive it back, or have it shipped. Well, shipping was going to be $1200, so that was out. Financially it didn't make sense to drive a truck and trailer down to load the car up and then drive back getting awful gas mileage over the course of 3200+ miles. We had credit card points. I flew and then drove.

Now, that car DOES NOT HAVE CRUISE CONTROL. So I drove, in two days, from Cape Coral, Florida, where I got to spend some wonderful time with Brian, Heather, and Ryelynn Huffman. God I miss those guys, back to Lincoln. Y'all, there's a muscle on the front of your shin. The best way to work it is driving 26 hours in two days without cruise.

Traffic in Atlanta is the worst. Cape Coral to Nashville should take 12 hours. It took me better than 14. Twenty miles SOUTH of Atlanta, before you're really in the metro, there was a lane of I-75 northbound closed. I think it was closed for about five miles. In that five miles, there were three accidents. At 2:30 in the afternoon, traffic in the Atlanta area added an hour to my trip. 

This car also meant that we had five vehicles. Our garage only has room for four. We traded in the pickup, which we loved, and the hybrid, which we REALLY loved, for a Nissan Armada. So far, we RE-HEALLY love that. 

I wanted to end this on a positive. Yes, the end is here. No, I didn't include everything that's made these last couple months brutal for me. It hasn't changed my outlook. I'm still obnoxiously upbeat, but that's due to a fantastic family, and spectacular friends who've taken time out to make sure I'm okay. I'm letting myself be the recipient of love and concern, something I rarely do. 

I just wanted to let you all in on this. I'd say that this is the reason that I've been more infrequent lately, but that's not the case. I plan to get back to this more regularly and am trying to figure out how to put some podcasting into my future. I'll focus on this first, though.

Thanks, as always, for reading.

Tell me all your Thoughts

I've been ruminating this one for quite awhile.  I've been ruminating this one because a) it sounds nothing like the me that moved from Colorado and b) a LOT of my friends will disagree.  I'm open to it, and I'll listen to your impassioned disagreements, so long as you're willing to listen to mine, and you've read the entirety of this blog.

For those of you who expected a religion-themed post from me... I'm shocked.  I'm shocked that you expected it.  Me in 2010, I'd have been shocked.  Me in 2012?  I'm more than comfortable talking about my beliefs.  They haven't changed dramatically since my move.  It's more that I've actually spent time thinking about it and realise that the words that I've always had are fine.  I don't have to use "proper" words to express and defend my beliefs.  My beliefs are built with my words.

Unexpected side rant - Why do we have to defend our beliefs?  Unless my (your) beliefs are hurting someone else, live and let live!  I cannot, and will not here, defend the actions of many Christians and Christian groups in God's name.  Nor will I address the atrocities committed by many extreme groups of other faiths, Islam being the example most readily available.  I won't address either of those, because those people represent such a small portion of their respective faiths, that I think I've already given too many words relative to the size of this post.  That being said, I have so many friends of so many different of so many different faiths who are wonderful people, that I get sick of the idea that we have to defend our spirituality.  Atheist, Agnostic, Buddhist, Pagan, Jew, anyone else who I'm forgetting, let's just acknowledge that we all believe differently.  If you want to explain your beliefs to me, great!  I'll be happy to explain mine to you, and where they've come from.  If, however, you want to belittle me or mock me for being a Christian, I'm done.  I will pay you the same courtesy and not mock your faith.  I'm sick of people calling Christians stupid in particular.  My IQ is well over 130.  My Faith is based on life experiences and conversations with God, not ignorance or naivete.

God.  I invite my friends of other faiths to replace that word with your deity (or deities), the world, the fates, or the word "coincidence."  In thinking on this, I've been trying to decide if there are coincidences in the world.  Does crazy s**t just happen, or is it part of His grand design?  Honestly, I think there still have to be coincidences (this morning, when I'd decided to write this today, my answer would have been no).  Free Will is the basis of Original Sin.  God gave us Free Will knowing full well that we'd blow it.  Almost immediately.  We did that, very nicely.  In Deuteronomy, God says we'll forsake him(31:16).  He knew.  He gave us the gift of Free Will anyway.  My relationship with God is stronger because I chose to walk with Him.  He loves us, even when we don't love him (like our parents!).  That being said, I have a hard time seeing a lot of coincidences.  The BIG things in my life?  I just wasn't listening.  I could list the things since I've moved here, but I won't bore you.  The biggest things of late, Markeya and Lincoln?  God's been loud.  I moved here for a reason, and I listened when he suggested this to me.  I'm glad I did, as I've been very happy here (I still want to come back, don't worry).  It's renewed and revitalised me and is still doing so in ways I didn't think it would.

I also started listening.  I have not asked Him to show Himself to me.  Thank goodness, because, as Father Mark said this morning, you have to be careful if you do, He might just show up!  Not just trying to read the signs that God put in front of me, but also asking for him to talk directly to me.  He doesn't always do it, but it's remarkable when he actually does.  My key has not been asking for things, but telling Him that I'm listening.  He wants us to be happy and successful.  He gives us the tools.  Look in the previous paragraph (that's an imperative sentence, kids).  He gave us Free Will.  We have to do the right things with those tools.  I've effed up repeatedly.  My life's not always been great.  He was, probably, sad when that happened.  I can't say that for sure, but I'd imagine He was sad.  I'm trying to make him happy now.  He knows I won't always do it.

One of my players last year drew it out for me.  We started one of my (to that point) most uncomfortable conversations because the Westboro Baptist Church was protesting at a high school in Iowa we drove past. Balls (her nickname, and I've never met a girl who was farther from her nickname) asked me about my faith... and I talked... a little.  She talked a lot.  A bit of background.  This girl is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet.  She's also naive to the world, to a point, and is incredibly forgiving.  She sees nothing but good and does nothing but good.  She is devout.  She is, in almost every way, what you would picture if I told you she's 20 years old, grew up in a small midwestern town, and is devoutly Christian.  What she said was NOT what I expected.  She tries to live a Pious life.  She tries to do exactly what God would ask.  Her words?  She can't.  She will never be able to live up to His expectations.  She's not perfect.  She sins daily.  He knows she will.  He sent Jesus because of that.  Jesus died for sins committed and yet to be.  I don't live a perfect life, by any means.  I am, however, making fewer mistakes than I used to.  I still cuss, drink, have the occasional cigar and FREQUENT unclean thoughts.  I'm working on it.  He's talking to me.  He forgives me because He loves me, and I love Him.  I don't pray for everything every night.  I do, however, always tell Him of my gratitude for the plethora of ways He has blessed me.  I am in awe and humbled by His power, His grace, His benevolence, and His goodness!

By way of a disclaimer, I am not, nor will I ever be, a creationist.  I am still scientific-minded and see the logic in things like Evolution and the many and varied scientific theories and proofs out there.  Fundamentally, I don't think I've really changed.  I've been a Christian for quite some time, but am more confident in my beliefs.  I found a church I love with a priest and congregation that is just wonderful.  I was asked to participate in a prayer group, and I'm glad that I did.  Really, all it did was make me more comfortable as a Christian.  Knowing that I didn't have to know, that's not a key.  Knowing that the most important part of this faith is love and gratitude for Him.  I try to show Him I love Him, and will do my best to lead others to him.  I'm not here to demand others follow Him, but if you ask the way, I'll do my best to show you.  I'm here because He wants me here.

Want to know more?  Just ask.

Negative Ghost Rider

Negativity.  I'm over it.  It's everywhere.  I've tried to live my life with a fairly positive outlook, and approach everything optimistically.  I know I'm not always perfect with it (sometimes things just go awry).  I also have to admit, as I go through this blog, that I've been guilty of many of these things, and I likely will be again.  For that, I am sorry for past and future transgressions.  Let's be real, I'm not perfect.

I also want to be clear in saying that no one person or one incident has prompted this blog.  It's kinda the amalgamation of many posts on facebook, and stories from people I know both directly and second and third person.  I'm not calling anyone out.  I supposed this could be seen as somewhat passive-aggressive, and I know some of you will feel like I'm talking directly to you.  I am not.  I. AM. NOT!  I just realised that in writing this blog I am partaking in a bit of negativity.  I'm not trying to be negative, but I am venting.

Let's be real, we all think we're right.  Of course I think that in posting these, I am helping people by guiding them toward, maybe, a bit more positivity.  I love my life.  Bad s#*t happens to me from time to time.  Occasionally I feel like it's my fault, and occasionally I feel like I'm a victim of circumstance, but in my head, I always felt like it would work out in the end.  There's a saying that goes when God closes a door, he opens a window (or when one door closes, another opens).  I've tried to live by this mantra, and it's always worked for me (it was never harder than when waiting for a job offer over this past summer).

We all have that friend (or more than one) who never seems content at work.  It's always a boss who's out to get them, or a co-worker that's clearly sabotaging them.  We've all had terrible bosses.  We've all worked with those guys (or gals) who seem to be out for no one but themselves.  It's so easy in those situations to run away or delegate blame to someone else.  I realise it's so easy to quit, but then the cycle seems to begin anew.  You find a job you like at first, rave about it to your friends, and then within a couple of months... a co-worker's out to get you, or your boss gives you more work or is more critical of you.  Often times, this person doesn't go to the boss to simply ask, "Why?" or, "What can I do to fix this?", this person sits and stews and complains to co-workers.  It's hard to shoulder blame, especially when it's hard to find how you could be to blame.  However, looking at it as a means for improvement, rather than simply bailing seems to make it better...

The other thing that's bothered me for a long time (and I have DEFINITELY been guilty of) is deciding how terrible something (especially a sequel to a movie/book or a follow-up album) is, and then telling people who like that that they're of a lesser intelligence than you because they like it.  WHAT?!  I LOVED "The Dark Knight Rises."  I have friends and acquaintances on facebook who love it, and many who hate it.  Oddly... no one who's apathetic.  Point being, my opinion differs from you.  Additionally, I don't have to compare its merits to its predecessor.  Admittedly, the later Harry Potter books didn't hold up to Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone, but book seven was still excellent.  I'm not going to change anybody's mind here, I realise, but it's the same problem I have with political discourse in the country.  Do we forget that others have different opinions and can?!  Before this becomes a Liberal-Conservative debate, let's be clear... everyone is guilty of this in at least some capacity.  It makes others feel AWFUL when you put your foot down with the "I'm right, you're wrong" stance.  This is not arguing that some facts are facts and aren't really open for debate, but many things (my feelings on "The Dark Knight Rises", for example) are a matter of opinion.  If you're going to be one of those people whose opinion cannot be changed, and you belittle others whose opinions differ from yours, you'll gradually find yourself lonely.  I have cut a metric ton of those people out of my life in the last decade, and am glad I don't feel the need to do that again.

Okay, I wasn't going to admit this, but I suppose I will.  What really, really precipitated me finally getting these thoughts down on (virtual) paper is the fact that this weekend is the Bristol night race in Tennessee.  Yeah, NASCAR.  The newer generation of fans has pissed and moaned about the racing recently.  Admittedly, there have been more long runs under green, but there's been good passing, and great racing.  You know what's missing?  WRECKS!  I have to admit, yeah, the wrecks are exciting, but frankly I was more excited to watch Jr. go under Jeff Gordon to make it four wide at Michigan last week.  I REALLY loved watching Brad Keselowski and Marcos Ambrose race as hard as I've ever seen anyone race at Watkins Glen the week before.  They bumped, yeah, the leaned on each other (as Keselowski put it) but they raced HARD.  Had one of them wrecked (as Kyle Busch unfortunately did.  It'd have been a hell of a race with three of the greatest drivers in the world fighting for that position) and had their car disabled, and the caution thrown... we'd have been deprived of that.  Be honest.  If you LOVE wrecks, tell us.  Don't call it "bad racing".

Okay...  Like I said, I've been guilty of many of these things.  I apologise to anyone who's been offended by something I said.  I want to re-state that there is no one person who I am thinking of as I write this.  It's just some stuff that's been weighing on my mind for the last bit.  Thank you all, again, for reading.  I'm more than open to discourse through facebook, twitter, or email- on any topic.  Take care of yourselves!