After I shared a post on my Instagram story about my anger at the Cornell 7 story, a friend DM'd me, "Thank you for posting this. You are the first male friend I've seen share anything about this story on their feed. I'm very grateful and at the same time extremely disheartened by the lack of men raising their voices in disgust over this." I was pissed. A young woman was gang-raped by frat bros. It was days after the story broke. I shouldn't have been the damn first one.
I am enraged every time someone says, "Think of his future. Why ruin it over one bad decision?" Well, frankly, because it is not one bad decision, it is likely indicative of other bad decisions made or forthcoming. Yes, let's ruin the rapist's life. Because his victim's life has already been ruined.
Her sense of safety is gone. No place will feel safe. Therapy helps, but isn't free. Society will ask, "What were you wearing?" as though the victim is in any way at fault. Clothes don't make the victim in ANY WAY culpable for the crime that was committed against her person. If there is ever a trial, that victim has to relive the worst time of her live in gruesome detail while often being asked if she'd done enough to prevent the rape, or why she didn't behave exactly as loud men think she should've in the aftermath. Why didn't you report it in a more convenient way for us?
(Side note: I don't know enough about the fawn response and many other clinically significant responses to these types of traumas. I have read about them, but I haven't done in-depth research to make myself someone who can speak intelligently about them. However, they are not an excuse to make you more comfortable when you criticize a woman's response. You can read about them. You can educate yourself.)
These decisions should follow these men the rest of their lives. They should not be allowed to have any peace until their victims find peace. That never happens? Too bad. I don't care how promising Brock Turner's swimming career was. He ended that promise behind a dumpster, which is where his career belongs.
I will not mince words here. Rape is always the rapist's fault. Even if it takes years for it to be reported, they deserve the consequences of their actions. No, I mean it. Always.
As I've aged, I've realized my dad is an exceptional man, especially for his generation (Pre-Boomer, Silent Generation). My brother and I were raised in a way that we were never distracted by women's clothes, and we know that women are equal to men in every way, even though I often joke that they're far superior. Sorry if, even in high school, I've never been distracted by shoulders or stomachs.
Some of my friends and I got to talking about this over text the other day because of the overwhelming number of "We are all Jane Doe" stories that came out. Good Lord, down with fraternities, by the way. However, we threw plenty of big parties that had lots of people (Not frat party level, but close sometimes), and never were told that women felt unsafe at our parties (Yes, I understand the dynamics of power between men and women and that some may have and never told us). In fact, while none of us could recall their names, we often kicked out men who were making the women feel uncomfortable. It didn't matter if we all liked him, he had to go.
There have been multiple times that I've been at a bar and had a woman approach and say something to the effect of, "You're my boyfriend. This dude won't leave me alone." Now, I'm 6'7", so I do understand it, but every time it's happened it's been a bit shocking. Never have I known the woman previous to that interaction. I've prided myself on being a safe person to be around.
I will not come on here and pretend that I've been perfect. I don't do a good job of pushing back when "Locker Room talk" goes too far. I am trying to be better and I'm committing myself to be better.
I am starting with myself, but challenging all men. We have to be better. When a woman tells you she was raped, assaulted, or abused, believe her! Your comfort or preconceived ideas about how, when, or how long go right the fuck out the window. Believe her. Support her how SHE wants to be supported. Victims stay silent when they see others mistrusted.
We also have to shut down the talk and intervene when we see things like 50 other men at Cornell did when that Snap was sent. I am loathe to be ostracized from any group, but if someone is supporting rape in anyway, I'm out. This is how it has to be so victims can safely come forward, whether they want to remain anonymous or not, and how we can end rape culture.
